The Pursuit of Excellence

I was reading something this morning about the difference between the pursuit of excellence and the pursuit of power, or recognition, or control - basically fill in whatever word here that might make sense in your own life that implies something personally gained. The pursuit of excellence is a God-given desire. It's a need to learn, to grow and improve. There's a satisfaction in knowing that you are strectching your gifts or talents, and an enjoyment in seeing the efforts of your work produce results. It's a contentment at the end of a hard day's work.

The pursuit of power (or recognition, or control), on the other hand, is a desire that others recognize or acknowledge your gifts. It's a self-centered desire, based on the approval of others, and really has nothing to do with improving your work or who you are or what you know. It's a need to be admired, or at least appreciated.

I'm tagging this post with my Left Brain, Right Brain tag because I think for me it has a lot to do with this difference. My left brain is always trying to figure out how to profit from what I do, how to make sales, how to spread the word about my work. My left brain wants to be recognized, admired. My right brain, meanwhile, isn't at all sure it even wants to make a sale - there's a nervousness about expectations once someone actually pays money for something created. My right brain just wants to create, to learn, to improve, and then to create some more. My right brain is satisfied with the process, while my left brain will only be satisfied with a measurable, profitable result.

Needless to say I feel far more satisfied with my art when I'm immersed in the process. On days like today I question the wisdom of even having an online shop - except that I believe hoarding one's talent is also the quickest way to lose it. I release it to the world because creative energy must always be on the move, must be free to ebb and flow, regardless of whether or not I make any sales. I tried the hoarding bit, and I ended up not creating anything. So it's off and away, out into the universe, and I release my expectations of what happens to it after that.

So there, left brain.

Left Brain, Right Brain

Some days I actually miss my job. And it surprises me, but it really shouldn't. Because I'm both-brained, the left and the right sides of my brain demand regular attention. Over the years I've discovered that in order for me to find fulfillment in my life, I need to embrace both the logic and the creative, on a daily or at least almost-daily basis. Ideally, I need to find a life's work that is a blend of both. Failing that, I need a career in one and a passion in the other. Or something close to that.

This isn't easy to find, faithful readers.

Left-brained jobs very rarely have room for creativity. My career included fixing computers, building networks, and even programming for an HR shop for a time. One could argue that there's a kind of creativity in solving problems, and there certainly is... but simply not the kind my right brain was craving. During the days and weeks (ok, months) that I didn't have time for much else besides work, my brain would make up for it at night in the form of dreams - crazy, wild dreams. Argmageddon stuff, or superhero stuff, or men with no faces handing me notes (this one turned into a story that I ended up selling to a small press).

Now that the tides have turned, and I spend my time creating, I find that I'm craving the other side. Last night I rebuilt my laptop, because I felt compelled to do so. I fix other peoples' computers, I window shop for the latest tech toys (irony: lots of time, but now no money), I learn new programming languages (.NET for dummies).

In the Spring, I will officially start working towards my Master's degree in Instructional Technology, a moderately left-brained field that allows for a little more creativity than my previous work. But I think this time I won't abandon my art, no matter how busy I get.

Still learning. Always learning!

Left Brain, Right Brain

My sister-in-law recently told me that I am one of the few people she knows who are "both brained", i.e processes things both on the creative and the logical levels. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and wondering why I chose a career path that put me decidedly in the left-brained world (cold, hard logic), to the exclusion of my right brain. The easy answers are of course money, job safety (although a fat lot of good that did me with being recently let go), and marrying a man who is very dominantly left-brained.

But there are lesser reasons, too: in my family of origin "creative" also meant volatile and unpredictable, and to avoid that I simply tucked that side away and ran to the "safety" of logic. Plus, I was (and still am) completely lacking any kind of confidence when it comes to the results of my creative energies. Showing the world what I produce from out of that nebulous and often puzzling place is scary to me, it makes me feel very vulnerable and unsure of myself... which is exactly why I need to do it.

But my biggest hurdle in working out of my right brain is turning out to be coming from my left brain. She's been dominant for so long that she keeps trying to intervene, to direct, to self-edit. Before I even put pencil to paper she's saying "oh no, not there, you'll ruin the whole thing if you make that line". And so I must take steps to keep her quiet while I'm working. She seems to go to sleep somewhere after 9PM, so nighttime seems to be where I get the most done. I've noticed too that with any kind of white noise - the TV, the radio, the husband talking - my left brain is occupied so my right brain can work unencumbered. Alcohol works (although too much of that and both brains go to sleep, leaving me with a completely non-working brain).

The irony of this, of course, is that I'm using a process of logic to figure out how to silence my logical mind.

Anyway, all this to say that yes, I am both-brained, but it can be as much a curse as a blessing sometimes.